I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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