I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize