They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
this hospital has no fireball
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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