mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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