Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
