Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
