I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
