I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize