seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
