This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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