get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
