I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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