she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
