your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize