please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
