once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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