im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
