i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
