We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
