it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
