I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
She needs sedatives and a leash
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
