Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
