GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
