just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
