I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
