i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
