My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
