I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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