I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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