Little spoons don't ask big questions
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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