Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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