We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
