Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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