I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
