You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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