it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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