Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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