I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
