Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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