a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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