im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
