i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
