I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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