I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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