His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
