Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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