you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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