So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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