Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
