im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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