I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
