the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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