I'd wear matching sweaters with you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
