You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
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