her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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