now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
