At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
