I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
