Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
