mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
