just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
